This is the end, my only friend.

May, the end of year show. The end of the year.
After only 8 months I was already on my half way to graduate my second degree.
Our show summed it all. It was our best show since we started studying together.
No time for grief as the second year had their degree show. Accompanying them
made me feel like a graduating student.
And then the emptiness came. The end of the year.

I’m a snake, my skin is being replaced with a new one. I’m changing. Art, science, art, PhD, art, openings, family, far away family. My new skin has no memory.

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While walking home from College I realised something – I live for the unexpected.
Talking today with my external tutor suddenly made it clear. Sure, I have a ‘main’ subject
I deal with in my work, but thinking of me as a tube for ideas to be transferred through automatically change my perception about objects, materials, compositions and even people. Knowing that you are only a tube enables you to approach things with an objective point of view, as if you never saw them before.

While walking home from College I realised something – There is no such a thing ‘’no matter what, there is always a place which looks for staff’’. The queue at Starbucks made me sad. So many young people are willing to work full/part time job for this ‘devil’ and we still call them ‘lazy people’. But it was also happy to see all these students yearning to enter the job circle.

While walking home from College I realised something – Not only people implode but materials as well. A glass window decided to break down with no real reason.
It was amazing to witness it.

New words I learnt: skiff, degrade (in chemistry) and decry.

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April showers.

This week is the most productive one I have had lately.
MFA is all about grabbing opportunities but when all deadlines are for the same day
I find it hard to choose or shoot to all directions in order to hit.
Art is everywhere, just grab it (and attach 500 words about yourself, several images,
a project statement and explain why it’s you and ONLY you who needs to be chosen). 

This month is the most thrilling month.
I’m waiting for a few replies regarding residencies and shows and will be waiting for three more after applying by the end of the week. Yup, after applying you reach the level of waiting, hopefully not for a ‘no-no’ reply.

Easter break will be a nerve breakdown. And a normal break. Boyfriend is coming!!
(Sorry, am I not supposed to write about my personal life in here?)

New words I learnt: futility, abaca, subtle, arboretum, canopy, soundly, lobotomy, utterly, innuendo and memoir.

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Seven months of living in Edinburgh. I must admit, a few months ago I already found this place beautiful, calm, green and homely. When looking back and see all these weeks, it seems long but not too long. Almost real.

Almost, because recently I found out that the UK new government cancelled the application for a two years work visa after graduating. In other words, the government is happy to take my money (which is triple than local fees) and ‘waste’ talented teachers to educate me, just enough so they won’t mind to kick me back home, the same place I initially left.
This new situation will cause the amount of overseas students coming to the UK to reduce, mainly because nobody likes to spend so much money and ‘to be left outside alone’.
UK for the UK people. Rings a bell? 

Spring is here. It’s probably the first time I actually sense the seasons change.
Flowers blossom, one type of bird leaves, a different one arrives. Nests are all over the trees and leaves start to grow. I become slightly sentimental by this artificial yellow and the sun. Time for babies.

Next month is our final year show. It should be intense, hard, busy and satisfactory. Hopefully it will be good too, unforgettable!

New words I learnt: slate, beam, slab, birch, spore, lichen, seagull, hover, shortcoming, water sprinkler, insulation (old) and invigilating (old).

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In between.

Thursday was a forest day. We went to Minchmoor to explore a real forest for our final year show, assuming no one besides the locals have ever been to one. As we went up the hill (by car and then by foot) it became colder and colder till we reached the layer where rain turns into hailstones. The air was dense – we actually walked in mist.
We made it to the bothy, had some Whisky to warm up and started to walk around, to be lost. What is it like to be lost? Do we walk away from something? From somebody? From ourselves? Freud once said that forest is where our subconscious is being revealed, where our fears come out. I was afraid I might slip. Someone brought her dog and that was it.
I panicked and started to cry. I was a failure. Going to Israel a year after the accident makes me sad.

Leeds. A weekend stop before flying to Israel.
Friday was a global disaster day: an island moved, waves covered land and I was on a train, first class to Leeds. Enjoying my coffee, juice, water, another glass of juice, taking pictures…who would have thought. Three days with no connection to the outside world make me indifferent. I focus on the people I know rather on those who just died.

Israel. 7 days at ‘home’. I suffered the heat, the diet I’m not used to anymore and the doctors. This week was all about showing that I’m in Israel, presenting myself.
I should be glad, permanent damage enables me to suit the dog’s insurance company. Permanent damage also unables me to run, bend my knee, sit on my knee and hop.
It’s not a week since I’m back to Edinburgh and yet it feels like ages ago.
I’m glad to be back to my room, my town, my 6deg.. I landed. This is my home now.

New words I learnt: Maize, grudge, turmoil, lag, marinate (as a state of mind), forgot the rest.

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(Was written a week ago.) 

This is not my home. Hometown. Town.
Not mine.
Too many mediators surrounding me, that I cannot reach the actual things.
I’m seeking for the pure, authentic, initial… and I can’t find it here.
I need adaptors to charge my electronics.
I need convertors to measure liquid, weight, distance, dress/shoes size.
I need to change my inhaler and pills because the ones I take do not exist here.
I need to add u to certain words.
I need to be hypocrite.

Maybe I’m wrong and/or maybe it will take time to get used to it, but this is not how I want to live. At least in Israel people are honest and open. Sometimes too open, true, but they don’t smile while saying nasty things, they don’t hide behind smiles and sweet words and weather conversations. There is a way to be polite and honest at the same time. People don’t show their true colour here so all I end up with is dizziness.

This is not about me anymore. Sure, I can reveal more of myself and be more reachable but these things will not go away and I won’t play by the unwritten rules.

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There is a crack in everything.

Arriving to a foreign country always seems as a good opportunity to be a different person. A better person. It can work if you’re not afraid of anonymity but in some point, one day, you will realise that all you have done was to cover yourself with someone-who-is-not-you’s layers.
I’m keen for my privacy, anonymity curious me in a sense that people can play with it. I don’t mean to lie but to control what they share and how much they share with others.
Last weekend I realised I have covered myself so much until people don’t know who I am. I need to be me, to uncover these layers and become more interactive. There should be a balance between privacy and socializing and it will be found. Soon. 

Be longing

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I’m S.A.D.

Light is not heat. Light is not vitamin D. Light is not heat. Light is not vitamin D.
Light is not heat. Light is not vitamin D. Light is not heat. Light is not vitamin D.
Light is not heat. Light is not vitamin D. Light is not heat. Light is not vitamin D.
Light is not heat. Light is not vitamin D. Light is not heat. Light is not vitamin D.
Light is not heat. Light is not vitamin D. Light is not heat. Light is not vitamin D.
Light is not heat. Light is not vitamin D. Light is not heat. Light is not vitamin D.
Light is not heat. Light is not vitamin D. Light is not heat. Light is not vitamin D.
Light is not heat. Light is not vitamin D. Light is not heat. Light is not vitamin D.
Light is not heat. Light is not vitamin D. Light is not heat. Light is not vitamin D.
Light is not heat. Light is not vitamin D. Light is not heat. Light is not vitamin D. 

Although January ends, my winter depression has just began and if that’s not enough, I find myself expelling people who like me for my ears but forget I have a mouth too.
This is MY time to be down, no one will take it away from me.

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Evolution, revolution, resolution.

Tutors might have a major impact, mainly on someone who is looking for answers.
It was a long and well refined process to become that ‘artist’ while I was in high-school. To know that sometimes ‘less is more’ and there is nothing wrong with that.
My high-school graduation show was something people still mention to me until recently.
After a break year with no art at all (minimalism ruled) I went for a B.A. Gradually during that time, I was depressed and misunderstood by my tutors, who considered minimalism and conceptual art as being lazy. I had to fight for my will and to combine new disciplines with what I already knew. It wasn’t about not wanting to open my mind to new ideas as much as it was a common agenda to demand from the students to be something else. Perhaps a tutor’s replica.
Now I find myself fighting again. Fighting over my freedom to do what I want.
Fuck, less CAN be more.
I can’t believe I have tutors who tell me ‘you don’t need to complicate things, you know.’ How can you erase four years of misleading education especially when you felt deep down inside it was wrong?
I have another semester and 2-3 projects to face with. I will do my very (little) best.

New words I learnt: Decapitate, drayman, hose (as a verb), caraway, pruin, rye and nigella.

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A wish list.

It’s about time I’ll make some changes in my life.
First MFA year, half a degree (what can you do with half a degree?). I should work full power. I should eat healthier. Less. Find funding or a job. Make more friends with the locals. I need to let go from old not-friends I keep talking to. I need to learn how to let go.

I like my flat. I had a week off of college and my flatmate wasn’t here. Enjoyed the silent. Took over the fridge. No limitations until next week. 

I saw a very hairy Herron today, it looked old and intelligent.
Outside was -3. I set on a bench, had my lunch and watched the squirrels.
Not sure winter is a good time to visit the botanic gardens. 

Sunrise: 8.43
Sunset: 15.52
And it will get better and better.

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